Eyes Wide What?

When I was young
I was full of vim and vigor
confused though I was
as to where I belonged in this world
then I won a few battles
and lost a few wars
and ended up in limbo
where expectations
meet incredulous reality
This is not the future I was promised
this is not the day I reckoned
and every ounce of faith I had
in the very idea of humanity
has been poured into a glass
of surrender and apathy
and consumed with my rum and coke
I thought I knew what love was
but all I know for sure anymore
is what I could and have
been capable of
simply by virtue of being human
this mixture of shame, pride, and eyes wide open
now burning me from within
once so guilty of judgement
I now weigh myself and find me wanting
once desperate to imagine myself as good
now only grateful not to be simply evil
or am I?