The Journey Towards Being ME

     If personality is the seat of the soul and character is a roadmap to one's fate, I am screwed in more ways than one.  Try as I might, I have never been able to convince myself that I have an enviable ownership of either.  How others view me, I probably shall never truly know, at least to any degree of real accuracy, but don't they say that a certain level of self-assurance is all one needs?  Well, sometimes that's all I have to protect myself from a total abandonment of whatever self-esteem I believe I possess. 

     This all sounds like some grand pity-party, but I assure you, my friends (my fondness of you based entirely, of course, on your continuing to read this work of literary conundrum and liking it…..hehe….), at least to the best of my awareness, that it is not.  I merely seek to find and reflect upon the truth of the matter, the matter being the equivalent value of my soul, in the greater scheme of things, "things" being life, the universe, and of course, everything.

     Into the remainder of my days I carry all that has gone before, where I came from, where I exist now, and were I am headed, which is very much an undiscovered country, however predictable it might appear to be.  Yes, I am a creature of habits, of never straying much beyond the bounds of my comfort zones, and of being happy with being something other than very unhappy.  The problem that presents itself these days, however is the ever-thinning boundary that lies between what I accept as happiness and what I conceive as what happiness really SHOULD be.  I am also burdened with the guilt that accompanies knowing full well that I have all the Gods in the pantheon to thank for all the good and very dull fortune that has befallen me in this last decade.  I have a home I "own", I have a "job", and I have not known real hunger or depravation of any real sort for quite some time.  If I were the superstitious type, I would also now realize that I just jinxed myself, but I thankfully refuse to give into that kind of fiction, although believing in magic, you have to wonder how I prioritize my spectrum of reality versus fantasy.

     I have been accused simultaneously of being sweet, gentle and kind as well as selfish, angry and bitter, the perception being I suppose based on the observer's own state of mind at the time and circumstance of our encounter.  So of course, when I have dealt with a person who is in pain and/or anguish, my own response tends to be according to how they welcome my overtures.  Thus, if they are the least bit approachable and I hold their hand, while grinding the gears of my empathy to arrive at some relief of their suffering, there can be a genuine bond of mutual respect formed between us.  Then there is the person who blames the first one they see as the source of their pain and takes it out on them, which has the effect of putting negative pressure on the attempt to be helpful.  You know there is a disconnect between reality and perception when patients are being wheeled out of the CCU with smiles on their faces and profuse thanks for their care, followed by another who is informing you of the hell your are about to face as their lawyers respond to your downright evil treatment of them.  If you welcome me with expectations of my failure to help you, then chances are very good I might not be able to overcome the conditions you have already put in place.  But I will try.  That's all I can do.  

     The same applies to interpersonal relationships I share with people I am acquainted with and whom I am related to……..if you perceive me according to what's going on in your own life, I may already have my job cut out for me.  In my hard-won wisdom earned through the art of mere survival, I have adopted an approach of trying (I say try here because being the imperfect person I am, I am doomed to fail in this regard every now and then) never to make personal attacks against anyone who has not already done the same to me.  Thus, if you really think of me, in your heart of hearts, as a genuinely evil or troubled person, yet have the decency to pretty much keep that opinion to your self in the public (and many times private) arena of our interactions, then I will do my very best to return the favor, no matter how equally evil and misinformed I think YOU might be.  It's called "getting along" and it seems that more and more Americans are losing the ability to do that, or even WANTING to do that.  Once one has come to a superior world view that brooks no challenge, then the best you can do is tolerate them, responding to them in self defense when necessary.

     So, the best I can do as far as being who I am is to inform those who think they know me that I have little choice but to accept what I've become and ask that they do the same.  The good news here is that as far as family is concerned, that seems to be the state I enjoy so far.  Yes, I know that we have spiritual and philosophical differences that could lead to some very nasty interactions, but part of the art of having family is being willing to just shut up about it and seek out those things we all have in common, like, DUH, love of family.  My own surprise has come from having certain assumptions fall flat on their face, like who was most likely to treat me with respect and who was most likely not to.  By now, most if not all of my family is well aware of my particular sense of humor, which can appear caustic sometimes to the untrained eye (the eye viewing my tongue-in-cheek comments on Facebook, for example).  I have several cousins who have "FB" personalities similar to my own, yet I have done my best to take their pontifications with a healthy grain of salt lest I misread them entirely and lose out on knowing them better.  Then there are those who surprise the hell out of you and you realize that those you thought were the sweetest angels fallen to Earth are actually just as human as you.

     So, back to the beginning of this post, I need to assure everyone that although I have reached a comfort level with myself as a human being, I am WELL aware that I have personality traits which are an acquired taste to some.  And yes, I have quirks I rarely wish to admit to that on reflection do exist and I spend a fair amount of time working on mediating them also.  However, I am one very unique individual who really has no desire to become just another zombie on the spiritual and philosophical landscape, who refuses to join the herd and be led by emotional bankruptcy, and has as much hope as anybody that if there is a consequence to be had for how one lived his life, that on balance I finally DID make more contributions to the positive rather than negative side of the balance sheet.  Believe me, if I truly were able to believe in a devil and then have the stupidity to want to serve his interests, I witness on the news daily the best ways to serve evil in this world, and those ways are not exclusive to terrorists or serial killers.  Most of the evil I see being perpetrated these days is in the faces of those who campaign the loudest against it.

     But please, allow me to leave you with this:  Who I love and how I love them is not negotiable.  And that should apply to all of us.