Full Moon Over Pendragon Hold

Writing's on the Wall

2010-07-21T17:32:00.000-04:00

One of the things that cripples me as a writer and one of a myriad reasons I no longer blog on a regular basis is that I have such a hard time sorting and settling on set paths. I also suffer from a tendency to write sentences so long you have to wonder if they really are sentences or a sneaky sort of paragraph that enables a writer to keep expressing a thought long after your normal, everyday sentence had given that thought up for good. If I wanted to, I have no doubt I could set the Guinness Book of World record for the shortest number of sentences written to form a full fledged novel.

The closest I ever came to diving into a concerted effort to write a REAL novel was my idea concerning a bubble that appeared around a small town and expanded to shove aside the entire world. Then Stephen King came out with "The Dome", which I think the bastard psychically stole from me, and pretty much killed that idea. And I honestly think MY idea was better, even if it was going to be written with a minimum number of sentences.

I have this aversion to thinking that my failure to pursue a genuine written career has a lot to do with just plain laziness, so I embrace the excuse that once I envision the general idea of the story, I can't seem to settle on which twist and/or turn that idea can take within the story. Plus, by the time I finish one of my legendarily long sentences, I might have forgotten exactly what the story line was supposed to be. At my age, THAT's becoming increasingly easy to do. Perhaps writing is a young person's game. Or at least a YOUNGER person's game.

Then there's the point of it all. Most of our most beloved authors have stood the test of time and become immortal, talented ghosts stalking the halls of our schools and libraries. But what of what I might create today, even if it DID stand a rat's chance in that hot place of making the New York Times best seller list? There's not much time left for this race to enjoy anything I might write, and thus there will be no immortality for THE Michael save for the very unlikely chance an alien archeological team finds a dog-eared, termite-eaten but otherwise intact copy of my novel buried deep within the rotten remains of our dead civilization and they mistake it for serious literature. Stop laughing, it won't be a comedy.

My one other major deterrent is walking into a Books-a-Million and being faced with all those choices for the reading dollar. There are just TOO damn many choices, most of them ending up on those bargain tables and probably from there being shipped to a recycling center. That's a lot of trees having been killed for no real good reason other than vanity and all those failed grasps at immortality. Whatever immortality I will garner I believe is already set in stone, that stone being the internet, which will crumble into dust with the rest of all those paperbacks and leather bound limited editions that line those thousands of shelves in those hundreds of bookstores, libraries, and schools scattered around our world. There will be no more downloads when the next really big solar storm hits and our electrical grid is fried, our computers all burned out, and our cars with their electronic brains dead as doornails. All that will remain will be those English majors who memorized all those works of Shakespeare and are kept alive by those of us who didn't but can till a garden and shoot a bow. Maybe THEN I'll try and write a book……with those old manual data transcribers we in the day called a PENCIL. If I can remember how………

By Request

2010-07-16T11:22:00.002-04:00

One of my three loyal fans mentioned during our last chat that he would like to see another post appear on this blog, preferably one written by me. It certainly warmed the cockles of my heart to know that SOMEone out there can actually roll with my tendency to use capital letters and ………… for strategic emphasis. I fully realize that those of you who excelled in grammar during high school and perhaps even college just simply couldn't handle it anymore and stopped following me rather than take the risk that you yourselves might be infected with this new, less rigid and clearly lazy sort of communication skill. I admire you for your caution. The rest of you, I admire your thick skin.

Now, the problem with granting this request is that I have entered a phase in my life that doesn't easily lend itself to retrospection, inspection, or any other sort of spection period. You see, these blogs I have created are public in nature, in that they are available to anybody who knows me or is slightly familiar with me, and is even accessible to those who hit that "next blog" button up there in the hopes of coming across something awe-inspiring. That availability to people who know me means that whatever I write has the potential to piss same said people off, and regardless of any incidental vitriol you have witnessed in these blogs so far, it is NEVER my intention to (at least publicly) anger, hurt, or disrespect those people who through blood or congress are involved in my life to any great degree. Thus, I face a certain self-censorship which causes the relief valve of my inner " boiler" to function only in extreme circumstances. Otherwise nice people going postal on their friends and family is a good example of that relief valve not working when it is supposed to. That is why a public blog such as this one does not contribute much in the way of venting when the angst and turmoil gets truly personal. Anyway, getting back to awesome inspiration...... .The only "awwwwwww" this blog will ever inspire would probably come as a result of post regarding kittens or baby goats. Which, incidentally, has just inspired a topic………shall we?

Lately I have had an incredible deficit in "joy of life". Now, please don't get me wrong; I do rather enjoy the practice of breathing, interpreting light patterns on the back of my eyeballs, and other such things that life forms indulge in, but as far as those fun things that "advanced" species such as humans enjoy……..(there, see it, the ………..?)I haven't been enjoying much of that lately. I've pretty much lost most interest in writing (as evidenced by my lack of doing so on this last remaining active work of trash literature), I never go out on the town or eat at a restaurant, can't remember the last time I actually danced (which I used to live to do), and the closest thing I can think of doing that relates to a hobby is lusting after some electronic toy I can no longer afford to even think of buying (Although I must admit to taking the leap and getting back in bed with a major wireless provider just so I can stroke and coo Apple's latest electronic crack pipe, that is if they don't look at my credit score and have me arrested for even TRYING to do so). I am kept halfway busy by this ever enlarging zoo we have here at the Hold, which now includes one lizard, one cat, one kitten, one dog, and four goats, including THOR, the incredibly cute baby pygmy goat which has been wowing them over on Face Book. Now, I DID purchase a new 1800 psi electric pressure washer at the behest of THE Wife in order to blast the yucky dark mold off this deck of ours, and it was fun, but now I'm even bored with that. I also have laundry, dishes, floors, and cooking to help fill the time, and believe me, you haven't LIVED until you've done laundry, dishes, floors and ruined a few meals all for the sake of contributing to the responsibilities of shared responsibility.

No, I'm not insinuating that life sucks. In order for life to actually SUCK in this day and age, I would have to join the ranks of the more-or-less permanently unemployed, lose my home and car, and experience the joys of homelessness along with millions of my fellow Americans, something I loathe to do simply because I have already experienced minor versions of such conditions and I do not care to repeat the experience. Now, yes, I COULD suffer from some sort of medical condition which makes life on Earth a living hell, a condition which my "health" insurance company will do it's best to avoid having to pay to have treated, but again, I am thankful not to be suffering from anything major so far.

Plus there is all that angst built up inside for which I have precious few outlets, the kind I can confide in with no risk of making things even worse. I suppose if I had to define happiness as it applies to MY universe, I would have to describe it as a condition where-upon (is that actually a word, and am I using it correctly?) my outer appearance does not cause alarm or consternation amongst those surrounding me. Yes, I am doing my level best not to alarm anyone, upset anyone, make anyone unhappy, or otherwise contribute to the idea that I am SO not perfect and might actually never have been. Perhaps this idea that all that is really necessary is what has my insides churning while my outsides appear relatively calm. I so want to be happy, but I also would like to know exactly what that really means, and if achieving such a state really does mean others might get rather un-happy as a result. Should I really CARE if they do or not? People have told me that the very idea that I worry about it means that I really AM a good person. Thank you, people, that really helps…….

Of course, all this is rather moot when you consider the fact that I have arrived at a juncture in my life where I have lost all faith in humanity and/or it's likelihood of surviving very much longer. The grist of our most entertaining and scary science fiction horror movies of the past used to be what aliens from other planets or some natural disaster would do to us, but it turns out that it's much more likely what we are doing to OURSELVES that's going to kill us all. Pile on top of that this unnerving tendency for large segments of mankind to blissfully ignore or deny what's happening to our ecosystem while the evidence keeps mounting, and you get to the point of just not caring anymore. No, I never DID want to die an early or unnatural death, but we are ALL gonna die sometime, someway, so the fact that we are all gonna do it together like some great big suicide party hardly matters when you get right down to it. It just really pisses me off that the lives of all those wonderful Einstein's and Picasso's and George Harrisons and Michaelangelos simply didn't mean anything in the greater scheme of things. So, if mankind thirsts so badly for his rapture, then I say let him have it. I just wish they would leave me behind to enjoy the peace and quiet and beauty of a place without them in it.

When I started this post I gave a full 47 seconds to the idea of trying to come up with something more positive to write, even though anything positive and uplifting is not my strong suite. But I realized that other than expressing how grateful I am for the love and kindness so many people have shown me during my life, I have very little joy to express otherwise that would go perhaps past a medium length paragraph. However, for those of you who have suffered through my pessimistic pool of pathetic pity thus far, I leave you with this, my one witness to the joy of life. I hope it forces a smile out of you as it has me……

Thor, One Small Package of Joy

Father's Day

2010-06-20T22:57:00.001-04:00

I used to be a blogging fool. I mean, I was once able to come up with something epic (in MY mind at least) at least twice a week and sometimes every night for several weeks at a time, making my old blogs some of the most prolificly uncelebrated works of introspection of all time. Those were the glory days!

Now, I go for weeks at a time with this guilt gnawing at me that I am letting some sort of amorphous audience down by not posting something fascinating more often. This is even occurring long after I wrote the final chapters to my long running and long winded chronicle of life on an acre of sand in sunny, conservative Florida, where people like me are looked at sideways by people with questionable DNA. Why in the hell should I give a damn wether or not some readership which hardly ever existed is entertained by my self-centered observations from a jaundiced eye?

I guess it shares a certain sick similarity with my karaoke days, when I discovered the joy of singing to a crowd and not having that crowd throw rotting vegetables or worse at me for having done so. I was complimented on my singing many times but the praise, lukewarm as it was, never really squared with what I heard on tape recorders. I would have shot the sonofabitch who subjected me to THAT voice. So, I have had people read some of my stuff and ask me why I never got published, and I in turn have wondered who they were really reading because it certainly couldn't have been MY stuff they were complimenting.

I really hate myself for the ways I hate myself. On this Father's day the best praise I can offer my own sperm donor is that he didn't stick around to observe the mistake he'd made mixing his DNA with my Mom's. Now, I do NOT blame my Mother for her part in my creation. She loved me more than sin and even though she wasn't really capable of being a responsible parent, she certainly had the heart for it, and the best years of my entire life were those I was lucky enough to have spent getting to know her and holding her hand as she passed beyond the veil. As far as the rat bastard whose last name I still bear (something I really need to jettison), the Gods only know what ever became of him after he abandoned me so cruelly to my lonely unloved fate as a foster kid. I can only hope he went on to sire other kids who perhaps made his life a living hell. I am if anything charitable with my hunger for karmic justice.

However, I made it in this world to were I am mostly on my own, and I own most of the condition I find myself in, due to the choices I made and both the good things and bad that only I can take responsibility for. Yes, my father launched me from a shit shore in a boat full of holes, but once I was on my own and fully in control of my own rudder, I only had myself to blame if I broadsided an iceberg or two that I plainly saw floating in my way. Even now, I am making choices that may or may not contribute to a life best lived, given all the Karma I have saved up or pissed away. I imagine it's the same for everybody, silver spooned piss-ants or working class heroes; hell, George Bush proved that it's not what you know that can make you the President of the most powerful nation on Earth, it's whose hand is stuck up your ass calling the shots you have to give credit too. That's probably why I am where I am, and where I will always be. I have one tight sphincter.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. Choke on it.

Surprise, Surprise!

2010-06-13T09:34:00.001-04:00

Blue on right, evidently pregnant

I know it's been a long time since I visited upon the world another boring episode of life here at Pendragon Hold, but the last several days have been worth writting about. If you know anything about this place, you know about the twins, whom we call Red and Blue (formally Sorcha and Sasha). Not the Good and Evil twins, mind you, but the pygmy goat twins, the sisters we acquired awhile back. Well, THE Wife, being the goofy romantic concerning cute cuddly things she is, wanted to see some babies, so, me, yours truly, THE Michael, always the enabler, procured a baby buck in hopes of getting one of the girls knocked up. We even found Billy, our large and exuberant Male (but fixed) a new home with lots of grazing and a herd for him to rule, which I am happy to report he is doing joyfully. We sent Billy away as a precaution against hurting another kid like he did (not intentially, he's just a rough boy) to Pepper, our last attempt at herd enhancement.

Well, we bought a well-weaned and beautifull little Ram and called him Pan, in hopes he would live up to the reputation of his namesake and do his duty to Gods and Homestead, and darn if he didn't manage to do it right off the bat! We noticed that Blue, although not getting any wider than these two normally are (which is WIDE, like land-bound little Hindenburgs), had a milk pouch that was evidently getting larger every day. So, we knew she was expecting, but fer God's sake, we had no idea she was THIS far along!

Yesterday, while at work, I got a frantic phone call from my neighbor, Dee, who has always been a kind guardian of our Hold, always keeping an eye on the place in our absence and even returning Shiloh to us on a regular basis whenever our adventursome explorer slipped the bonds of his Hold and trotted off to visit the neighbors. This time she called to inform me that there was a new baby in the back forty getting shoved around by the bigger goats, and had even wobbled thru the tiny little squares of our woven wire fencing into our back neighbors yard, where he was intercepted and "rescued" by the kind lady before their dogs could get to it. Then both my neighbors gathered the required milk mix and bottle and even went so far as to milk Blue to give the baby some mother's milk, which really is essential to the young ram's survival in it's first day of life. I managed to get away from work a bit early and rush home, and we were greeted by the most wondrous surprise.........

That is ONE tiny little baby!

This really caught us both off-guard, because we had been feeling and observing Blue the last several weeks for signs of the developing fetus, but it seems her internal stomach and organs masked the baby easily. We thought that due to her behavior that Blue might even be producing yet another baby, a twin, since these goats can have anywhere from one to four babies, but it seems that this one Ram is the only one. AND, sadly, Blue hasn't proven to be very maternal, not allowing the baby to nurse, forcing us to milk her ourselves and feeding the baby with a bottle. She may come around as the days pass, but for now WE are the parents, for all practical purposes. I honestly think this comes with the territory of domestication, much of the instinctive behaviors that wild animals depend on for survival having been bred out of these creatures over the centuries. Not all are so seemingly helpless, but it is a hit and miss proposition.

It doesn't help that we are such novices when it comes to animal husbandry. We really are going into this almost totally blind, and I want to thank all those who have chipped in and offered their advice, their support, and their prayers (yes, even us Godless pagans appreciate prayers offered in our behalf). Dee, you have always been there for us and I wish we could repay you for your kindnesses as a great neighbor.

So, THAT's what's been happening of note in the lives of the citizens of Pendragon Hold, that rebel enclave existing smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt, where you can still find rational humans without religiously motived agendas. And even when you do, those agendas can still be almost "Christ" like in their sincerity. Blessed be you all.

The Mind of Monty

2010-05-27T23:06:00.000-04:00

One of my defining traits, it seems, is my tendency towards the sarcastic, the doomsayer, the extreme pessimist, and with that assessment, should that be how YOU, my reader, view me, I must admit to, and I do so with no regret. However, despite this character trait which comes through so loudly, I must also insist that I am just as capable of experiencing Joy, Love, hope, and all those emotions that any other decent and non-sociopathic human being is capable of, and I DO experience them, if not on a regular basis. I attribute this to a certain realism that I have embraced based on my own experiences as well as the observations I have made of the highjinks of the human race in all it's various guises. Along with this realism is included a realization that I am not apart or immune from all these damaging foibles that make us, Homo Sapiens, both beautiful and evil/ugly creatures. I am human, thus I fall as far from grace as all those whom I rail against. That being said……

Long before this tragic event occurred, I have pointed out that mankind is both his and his planet's own worst enemy, as demonstrated by genocide, greed, selfishness, intolerance, religious hysteria, violence, and bigotry. Ever since it's invention, Mankind has embraced money as his one true God, to which his whole existence has revolved around, and this one concept can almost always be traced back from most if not all of our worst depredations. We do things for the lust of money that the Christian Devil could never have thought up if he tried. In Western Capitalism, especially the American version, we use commerce as a weapon against each other rather than a tool of exchange, as demonstrated by fine print in contracts, legalized fraud and abuse in the credit markets, and the misery of those who had hoped to have homes of their own but instead suffered at the hands of predatory lenders and greedy speculators. Not many of us want to know this, or do and simply feel that some evils are necessary, but we all, to some degree, participate in it, and would rather help maintain the status quo rather than risk the sacrifices involved in making real changes that could benefit all mankind. No, as long as we have "ours", we are content to turn our heads and refuse to acknowledge that we benefit from the misery of others, and even go so far as to blame the downtrodden for the socio-economic hell they endure. We always harp that any man, no matter their origins, can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps if they want to succeed badly enough, yet we never address who will wash our dishes, mop our floors, or pick our lettuce if indeed "everyman" fought their way into a college, attained a degree, and demanded the same standard of living that so many of our smugly entitled enjoy. We never address where all these predatory bill collectors, lawyers, politicians, and bankers would drag down their salaries if there were no unfortunate citizens who fell sick at the wrong time, lost their jobs, lost their insurance, and became fodder for their sick and all-to-often gleeful assaults?

I suffer very few, if any, heroes. I have come to realize that any human, no matter how famous or historic their place in the timeline became, has had their share of human frailty and fault. Even Thomas Jefferson, that man who I admire so much for his forethought in his design of our constitution, suffered the status quo and owned his slaves. I gave up on football altogether when that first team snuck out of their stadium in the dead of night to move to another city, succumbing to the lure of the almighty dollar versus loyalty to their fans. And yet, along comes the occasional human whom I admire to such an extent that I am willing to suffer their humanity. Ralph Nader was one of those humans, a man who would broke NO compromise when it came to consumer protection or just plain ordinary justice and fairness. His unwillingness to compromise on any of these principles before long earned him the ire of even his most devoted followers, and indeed even tested my own tolerance for someone who would not at least try and seek compromise for the greater good. Yet, to this very day, I know how much all of us owe this man, and when push comes to shove, I am happy that he was so insufferable that even his own team had to distance themselves from his inflexibility. The problem is, we don't have ENOUGH of these kind of people on OUR side, on the side of the helpless, the powerless, the disenfranchised in this great capitalist winner-take-all society of ours. We don't have enough Bill Maher's who are willing to take the heat and tell it like it is, even if they must camouflage it in the cloak of comic relief. We don't have enough people like ME, your's truly, THE Michael, who are so beneath he radar of notice that they can say what they think needs be said without much risk of having their homes firebombed. Yes, as allergic as I am to "heroes", I have known them, and admire them, and celebrate them in my heart, and use them as an excuse to believe that there actually WAS once some hope for this intelligent race of apes who tried to touch the face of God yet instead managed to do nothing more than fart in it's general direction………..

Yes, I believe the mind of Monty Python pretty much sums up the best we ever had to offer…………

Enemy Mine

2010-05-16T20:49:00.004-04:00

I truly despair of it all. My brothers, they shake their heads at me and my like, and laugh and deny, deny, deny, for they love their money, they love their very, very big cars, houses, and swimming pools and can't remember from wince we ALL came. Money, money, money, they love it more than their own children, and their children's children, for what shall become of them, even the richest amongst them, when all the water is poison, when all the land is bare, and the air is empty save for CO2?

You reply to my pleas with anger, with indignity, and imply my Gods are inferior, that YOUR God will save you from your insanity, but where is he? Mine stand beside me, weeping, not in judgement, but in sadness, for my Gods are in me, with me, and suffer beside me. You claim this all powerful God gave you this world to use as you will, and THIS is how you use it? You listen to Rush Limbaugh reading scripts written by Satan himself, and you laugh and imagine you follow the teachings of Christ. Glen Beck plays the Anti-Christ even better than Hitler and you worship him……what message is YOUR God sending you? You insist you are saved, and yet, I see a world condemned by your self-destructive behavior, and you dare suggest that those who don't drink your cool-aid are in the service of this Devil you are so frightened of, yet feed so willingly with your ignorance, hatred, and intolerance. How can you claim to serve the sacred, when you suffer the rape of the mountains for dirty coal? How is anything holy when children are preyed upon by men claimed to be holy? How can your savior find himself in your heart when your heart would deny a child health care?

The term "humane" is an oxymoron. Their is no charity in the human condition,and thus this term is abused. To be human is to be above it all, including the very world that bore us. We soil our nest, we eat our young, and we make arrogance a virtue. Yes, we love our wives, our Mothers and Fathers, our children, our families, and still, we are willing to accept the slightest chance that we visit upon them a hell on Earth by our greedy and self-centered actions. Is this truly love? Do we really even know the meaning of the word?

I know you have no desire to hear more gloom and doom. But that's not the problem, really. The problem is that you would much prefer to act as though everything is rosy, you are getting YOURS so why worry about it, and other such avoidances. If you don't believe in it, then it must not be happening. Even when all you see on the news anymore is yet another ecological disaster, well, as long as it's somebody else, it's not your concern. It IS your concern. Do you NOT realize just how small this world is? Where will you run, where will you hide when the rapture never happens and the end comes without any help from your God? Do you honestly think it will matter THEN, to ANYbody, when you realize how wrong your were? Do your think your wanting to take it back will make it all go away? Will you EVER grow up and take responsibility?

YOU are the monster, the alien, the enemy at the gates, and I no longer belong to your club. You've had your chances over and over again to do the right thing and you instead did the opposite, and with some glee I might add. The prisons are holding all the wrong people, for you are no mere felon, you are the mass murderer, which you do so well all in the name of your "rights". Yes, you have the right to die along with the rest of us, but you had NO right to make that decision for everybody. Love to you is an opportunity. Responsibility to you is getting caught, and even then you avoid it, somehow, someway. God to you is a tool, at whose feet you quake in false fear.

You are my species, and I despise you.

Face Book vs Blogger

2010-05-10T22:06:00.000-04:00

I am really getting perturbed by the effect that the instant gratification of Face Book is having on the blogging universe. Face Book doesn't allow you to pontificate to any great length unless you want to get creative and carry on your display of self-centered angst in the comments section, while Blogger has always allowed you as much room as you needed to create your own version of the Great Gatsby, if that was what you wanted to do. Blogs have risen and fell depending on the talent of it's author, but with Face Book, well, what can you say in 140 characters that is going to change the entire landscape of the culture?

I suppose people have always had this great need to be HEARD in some fashion or another, and yet until fairly recently, there has never been a readily accessible medium that your average citizen could harness in making their own voice available to the masses. These days, just about anyone can "go viral" and a star is born, albeit a star that will burn itself out even quicker than before. We are so fickle, tiring quickly of this thing in order to leap towards the next thing, devouring the product of so many individual efforts and discarding them like we discard the packaging of our disposable consumerism. Even the likes of Picasso or Michelangelo would find this fast and furious world of ours challenging, perhaps insuring that they would never have become the icons that we measure our cultures against.

The use of the blog to exercise the power of the word may have even inflicted a mortal wound upon the enterprise of the professional writer, since so many of us have foregone, thanks to the gauntlet that the publishing world forces us to transverse, the idea of doing it for profit, instead happy to disperse our thoughts and ideas to the universe free of charge simply because we need to. I have many times been told I should be published, yet I have heard so many horror stories of all the rejections that writers far better than I have endured, and I ask myself why I should expose myself to such humiliation simply for the chance to add my one voice to the 5 million voices you find in your average books-a-million, a place I no longer frequent thanks to the overload of choices presented to me. Books compete now with both hands tied behind their backs in a world with far too many distractions and so few that truly enrich the soul as the well-written book used to.

I really WOULD love to be published, and have more than a handful of my fellow humans thank me for my efforts, but I am just as happy to write something strictly for the pleasure of hang written it and having at least one person be effected enough to at least leave a comment about it, even if to tell me I got it wrong. At least I had an effect, which proves that I was HERE, and someone else knew it. I expect the sands of time to bury any trace that I ever existed, but it IS possible, that if this species survives at all, somewhere in the depths of this virtual world, a record of my thoughts and ideas will somehow survive, and a person here and there will be exposed to them, and for at least those few brief moments, I will live on in their minds. I doubt very much that Face Book will ever afford any of us THAT kind of immortality.

I Believed

2010-05-05T20:48:00.003-04:00

I believed in things because they were possible

I wanted to be something when I grew up, because

I thought I would

grow up, that is

and here I am, many years later, still growing up

and this place I'm in right now

is not the party it was all cracked up to be

yes, I imagine those decades I spent getting here

were actually the best ones I actually lived

but now that they are over

it's too late to go back and enjoy them as much as I should have

and now I'm stuck here in the here and now

with a most uncertain future ahead of me

for the future I was promised

never arrived

and the one I see before me

is more of a threat than a promise

getting old sucks

which is ironic

when you consider that as youngsters

we couldn't wait to pile on the years

and take on the freedoms we were promised

ah, but how heavy those freedoms weigh upon us now

mortgages and rents and car payments and credit cards

like stones around our necks

racing off to jobs half awake

that most of us hate with a passion

our eyes glued to clocks on the wall so that even MORE of our lives can speed past us

so that we don't have to endure them any more than we have to

Yet I loved you all throughout my life

without even knowing it

and I always will

even when I can't

You

2010-04-29T21:46:00.002-04:00

And I said onto you

I gave you this immense, amazing wondrous thing

you call the world

ah, but it is so much more than a world

it is a universe all it's own

with intricate life woven with rock and air and deep blue sea

and dancing above it all are clouds

which shade, and cool, and water her gardens

and all within these nooks and crannies came

YOU

and I gave it all to you, this gift of my womb

for you were the final product

of a rough and tumble winnowing

the mighty fell

and the meek inherited this Earth

and thanks to opposing thumbs

and overwealming arrogance

a world was paved over

and poisoned

rivers diverted, mountains brought low

and rain became my tears

and the Earth moved as I sobbed

and I wallowed in my shame

to have thought my precious pearls

could turn against me

and soil their very own nest

eat their children

and spit in mine eye

This is not my first mistake

and it won't be my last

but such hopes I had for you

such beauty and love were you capable of

and what evil I now behold

and what sorrow I know in knowing

your end

your sad, self-made end

Fuck It

2010-04-27T18:10:00.004-04:00

I've decided to write something today that has nothing to do with whatever happened today. This is, after all, a place I've preserved to ponder rather than report, although the reporting is an interesting examination of the human condition, more specifically, MY condition. We all know that the human condition is heading South daily, but let's not worry about that right now.

Let's talk about profanity.

profanity |prəˈfanətē; prō-|

noun ( pl. -ties)

blasphemous or obscene language : an outburst of profanity.

• a swear word; an oath.

• irreligious or irreverent behavior.

ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: from late Latin profanitas, from Latin profanus ‘not sacred’ (see profane )

I was inspired to explore the wonderful world of profanity after having visiting the blog of a sweet lady I have known for some years now who was always the example of literary sweetness and light; never a dirty word would ever grace her blog. That is, until she went private and decided to let it all hang out and say what she damn well pleased. How REFRESHING! And I was given the privilege and honor of being allowed to witness this follow human letting her hair down and letting loose with the four letter words. Has this lowered my opinion and respect for this woman? HELL NO! She's only proven she's just like me, given the chance to demonstrate it without some silly repercussion.

What I really think is interesting about the definition of this word is that it has such religious overtones and origins. It seems that the use of four letter words is an affront against GOD, or at least the institution of those who proclaim to know his mind. It seems that if you use any of these "blasphemous" words, you are "irreligious", and in danger of attracting celestrial wrath. And so, according to the dictionary, the word FUCK is not "sacred".

And there you have another interesting truth. It appears that a word that describes a sensual, pleasurable encounter between two people (yes, I know it does not have to necessarily occur between people of opposing genders) is not "sacred". And yet, the very same act that just might cause a man and/or woman to have an orgasm might at the same time lend itself to procreation, which the church is a really big fan of, especially if the products of all that procreation adds to the "army of God". (Yes, sports fans, it seems that the most powerful being in all the universe actually needs an army to further his agenda…..go figure) Thus, FUCKING is both "sacred" and "blasphemous"……which is why religious people are so FUCKED UP.

And so, there you have it. An entire subset of a whole language seems devoted to dissing the most powerful being in all of creation, and Lord knows we humans seem to use that subset with reckless abandon, as though we are just BEGGING this superior being to get medieval on our collective asses. "God Damn it" is another one of those words that fascinates me. Strangely enough, I rarely use it, not for fear of some thunderbolt nailing me, but because I never understood the logic of the phrase. I mean, this term is used more by Christians than any other group of humans. Do they mean to appeal to their God to "damn something", or are they daring to "damn" their own God, and thus, again, courting disaster because something has pissed them off and this is about as nasty a phrase they can come up with in the heat of the moment? Why not yell "Satan damn it"? Wouldn't that score more points?

Let's stop here while we can, and realize that language, when you apply it to religious fervor, rarely makes any sense whatsoever.

I use profanity while writing on a regular basis. I try to use it in the same fashion I would during regular conversation, while of course in the safety of a socially acceptable space. I am not one to go posting "I'm so happy I could just fucking shit" on my facebook page that I share with my good Catholic cousins because, let's face it, it is not called for and I am not a crass individual. However, if you brave MY blog, you WILL encounter my propensity to describe your average Republican as a "fucking dipshit redneck ignoramus with a fucking extreme lack of critical thinking skills". Within the sphere of MY influence, I feel I have the right and the comfort to use such language to get across a point, and if it angers someone's God, then too fucking bad, because God never went out of his way to fuck with me while I was a good Catholic and cursed, and I have been enlightened enough by education and life experience to feel quite comfortable with the belief that he's no more likely to respond to it now. Non-existent entities have a tendency to do that.

And if you are a good Catholic who feels insulted by this post and it's "blasphemous" content, then you can go fuck yourself as well. This is a free-thinking zone. I take no prisoners.

Retrospect

2010-04-25T20:57:00.002-04:00

Well, I have gotten through a weekend without any more out-of-the-ordinary drama. What was really interesting about Friday was that the Sheriff's deputy AND Animal Control Officer had come back out to follow up on the incident at the behest of the OWNER's of the killer canine and not due to the report that I had made to these same agencies. Another words, they were so clueless they actually thought THEY had been wronged when I shot their darling pet, same said darling pet who was attempting to murder MY darling pets within the confines of MY own property. And that damn animal had to go two lanes down and under a fence to do that. Talk about being hoisted by your own petard…….I think they've been taught a hard lesson in due diligence, or at least I hope they have. But, since I have this ill feeling that what I had to kill was a fighting dog, I doubt these people have the capacity to understand personal responsibility. Or kindness. Or compassion. You have to be a sentient being to be capable of that. Don't know very many of those around here……..

Still, I am having a hard time convincing myself that my own personal karma hasn't taken a hit. I guess if I were a stronger person capable of operating under stress and reason out a less deadly response to the attack, I guess I could have taken the time to find a two-by-four and attempt to dissuade the pit bull by smacking it a few times in an effort to get it to let go of my goat……….

Fuck it. I'm sorry. These animals were bred specifically to do one thing, and this animal was doing what it was bred for. It couldn't help it. The owner is the one who was supposed to understand the danger this animal could pose with the right triggers, and that owner failed to keep the animal confined and under control. Time and time again we hear how pit bulls attack other animals and people without provocation, and time and time again you hear from loyal pit bull owners who claim that when raised right, these animals are just as gentle and trustworthy as any other breed of dog. BULLSHIT. I'm sure Ted Bundy was raised right, at least as far as his parents were concerned, yet his brain chemistry insured that he would become a predator, all other factors be damned. The very same day that this dog got loose and began his reign of terror in my yard, ANOTHER pit bull was doing the same thing to a foul (young horse) in another man's yard not more than a couple of miles from me, and he was forced to do the exact same thing I did; kill the dog. AND, just like my neighbors, the owners of THAT "sweet, innocent puppy" had the same indignant response.

And reading my blog, you wonder why I have precious little affection for my own species.

I will not visit this subject again. Blessed be.

More Bullets

2010-04-23T12:29:00.001-04:00

Yesterday a pit bull slipped under my outer fence and attacked my goats. I had the twins and Pan tied out in the back forty to graze on the new spring growth for the day. In the afternoon I looked out the back door to make sure they hadn't tangled themselves up in their leash or cable (as they always tend to do) and was shocked to hear Blue bleating in terror with a white dog attached firmly to her hind leg! I quickly retrieved the Hold's self defense mechanism, my trusty Walther PPK/s and headed straight out to the mayhem in progress.

As I approached the meylay, the pit bull seemed more intent on killing my goat than paying any attention to me, so I circled around until I knew I had a clear enough line of sight to not hit my poor terrified goat and shot the dog through the chest. THAT got it's attention, and it released poor Blue and crawled away, howling in it's own pain. Whether under the influence of extreme anger or sympathy for the now mortally wounded dog, in retrospect I really don't care, I put two more bullets into it, one in the chest and one in the head.

The timing couldn't have been worse. First thing I did after a quick check of the goat (bleeding from wounds but no meat tore out) was call Clay country Animal control, which was closed. I then called the Sheriff's department, who routed me to Fire and Rescue, who then paged the on-call Animal control officer. I left the dog where it died, checked on the goat again, but then had to leave to get the wife from work. On the way, the Animal Control guy got me on my cell phone and asked me what had happened. After hearing my side of the story, he assured me that I was in my rights to defend myself and property from a vicious dog and said he would come out to take pictures and file a report.

Today a Clay County Sheriff's deputy came out to investigate the incident, and after listening and examining the scene, informed me that it would not be considered a criminal matter, strictly civil. She thought perhaps the owner of the dog hadn't yet retrieved the animal for fear I might shoot THEM….lol….which I assured the officer I had no intention of doing, unless they decided to get ugly about it. She left to talk to the owner/s and I'm sure they were relieved of any idea that they had any basis for a complaint against ME. Matter of fact, I am willing to end the matter as is as long as they don't push the issue, in which case Animal Control will be asked to step in and "correct" them and my lawyer will make himself and me a little richer. I do so hope they are not that stupid.

First my car tries to kill me. Then a pit bull tries to kill my goat. This has not been the best of times here at Pendragon Hold. But it could all have ended much worse. I do so try and count my blessings.

Dodging Bullets

2010-04-21T23:13:00.003-04:00

Today, about 6 minutes of my life passed in front of my eyes. Yes, it was the abbreviated version due to the fact that the catastrophic accident I almost had….well…..didn't, and thus the show faded away at about age 6 and a half. A bolt holding the passenger side wheel onto my car fell off and the entire wheel assembly headed to the left while my car was headed to the right. The saving grace of this incident was that I was going fairly slow through a parking lot headed to an ATM machine when the wheel fell off on me. If this same malfunction had occurred at the usual 50 mph I drive down the main drag at, the entire wheel assembly would have torn loose, the remains would have dug into the road, and my trusty old Ford Focus most probably would have flipped. Then, I would be in a hospital bed if I were lucky instead of writing this post. I dodged the bullet, my friends.

This just so happens to be the same wheel that had a wheel bearing replaced about a month ago, so it stands to reason that something wasn't exactly put back the way it should have been, thus when I had the car towed back to same shop and showed them what had happened, they did not question my judgement, instead wholeheartedly agreed to replace the entire drive shaft assembly which was slightly damaged in the incident. The mechanic was indeed shaken by the incident, insisting that he was glad I had not been hurt, without exactly accepting blame, of course. I don't blame him. But my lawyer would have if they had given me any grief about making this thing right. These are smart people. I like smart people. Especially smart people who work for a living and live by the quality of their craft, just like I do.

When something happens to you that could have happened in a more severe fashion than it actually did, you are somewhat shaken in retrospect. It's kind of like having missed a flight and that flight crashing, killing all on board. You are fine, but except for fate, you wouldn't have been. The same thing happened to me after I had been transferred from one fast attack submarine to another during my gig in the silent service. The submarine I had been transferred FROM (much to my dismay at the time) went on to collide with an underwater mountain, injuring many on board and almost sinking same said sub. Again, back then, I had dodged a bullet. I think it was then when I first realized how charmed a life I have lived, then, and ever since. So many twists and turns in my life could have ended me altogether, if not made my life much more miserable than it has been at times. Right now, I consider my life to be good, even with these occasional financial setbacks and near misses. However, I also understand that fate is fickle, and next time my number may come due. The wheel of life ends on it's own accord, and that accord is random as hell.

Today the reaper might have taken a shot at me and missed. Tomorrow the universe might decide that balance MUST be restored and I will buy the farm. That's life. Life is good. I will not complain about it. I just hope it's quick and painless. I'm allergic to pain.

Chats with Brenna

2010-04-11T23:28:00.001-04:00

I have a niece. Well, technically, she's NOT my neice; actually she's my Cousin Lisa's daughter, but since several of my female cousins, like Lisa, have decided to accept me as their BROTHER.....well, that means I have a neice.....and her name is Brenna. Brenna is a nerdish, talented, intelligent, beautiful, and all around wonderful girl who just turned fifteen and she fascinates me. She is the little girl growing up I would have had as a daughter if I'd had any say in the matter. I got to meet my "niece" at the Rowland family reunion I attended this March and she latched onto me the entire time, proclaiming ME to be the "coolest" of all the Rowland cousins. Well, it DOES stand to reason, since I AM the oldest and I AM an old hippy, and we invented the whole concept of what it means to be "cool". Brenna is just another one of those reasons I love my cousin Lisa so much. She's a long-lost sister I needed for so long.

I get to chat with my niece every other night and she seems to trust my counsel to some extent. I appreciate the fact that she trusts me with some things that she MIGHT not be sharing with others, and that might be a fantasy on my part, but I do believe that perhaps she looks to me for some wisdom which might assist her in this terribly hard thing we have to endure as teenagers called "growing up". Then again, it could just be that she just likes me and has a talent with humoring old people like me. Either way, it's all good. She makes me feel like an Uncle and I enjoy it.

So, if you have a niece, technically genuine or not, consider yourself lucky. You might have an avenue into her/his heart that nobody else can have the honor to enjoy. This in no way diminishes the awesome responsibility and honor that a parent gets to enjoy with their offspring, but it is one cool endeavor nonetheless. It is just another one of those blessings that happenstance graces us with if we are lucky.

Blessed be, all you people lucky enough to have a niece like I do.

Blessed be!

Somehow I'm going to have to live with this tax cut..........

2010-04-09T15:55:00.002-04:00

Today I bit the bullet and filed my Federal income taxes. I was braced to owe money, since somehow my employer totally ignored my withholding instructions and took nowhere near out that I thought would at least keep me even. However, thanks to the Obama taxcuts for WORKING stiffs like THE wife and I, we are actually getting a REFUND! DAMN those socialists and their tax CUTS!

We either broke even or owed under DUBYA. So, you tea party ass-wipes can shove your outright lies and racist hysteria up your asses; the hard working people in this country WITHOUT a Learjet or two of their very own finally got a break. I'm sure most of you did too, only we won't see you out on the streets praising Obama for THAT, now will we? You people are so fucking pathetic.............

Speaking of saving money; I'm gonna save me a chunk by NOT buying me an iPad. Hey, I have been a loyal Apple enthusiast since day one; I actually bought the very first Macintosh way back shortly after the meteor hit and wiped out all the PeeCee.......I mean, Dinosaurs. Unfortunately, PeeCees still roam the landscape spreading viruses and malware. Anyway, back to the iPad....well, as cool as it looks, I can't justify a use for it that would make any sense spending that kind of money for one. I am STILL lusting after an iPhone, but that damn two year contract of almost $100 a month........no. My iPod Touch serves me pretty well, especially when I get within range of free WiFi, and my prepaid Trackphone does the rest, for a fraction of the cost. I just don't live all day long with my cell phone glued to my ear, so I don't need a hundred gadzillion minutes.

I'm sitting here typing this while listening to Radio Paradise, an internet radio station. It's an eclectic station that reminds me so much of old FM radio, that would play ALL genres of Rock, Pop, Soul and other such. Now all you hear over the airwaves is teenage punk alternative angst or rap or what uneducated rednecks consider "country". You want REAL country? Internet radio. It ain't ALL about pick up trucks. Or stupid accents.

I also washed the dog. Dog didn't like that...........but he's clean, and I like that!

Life beneath the Full Moon is good, long as you don't sweat the small shit.

Work Ethic

2010-04-06T20:44:00.003-04:00

OK, fine, I have to admit to a somewhat selective work ethic. I don't believe in putting in a hard day's night for less than a full measure of it's worth. And I will always seek to do my job in the most energy efficient and qualitative way I can perform it in. I have always believed that doing a job right actually requires less energy than screwing it up from the get-go. I don't believe in breaking a sweat for half-assed results. So don't hire me if all you want is busy work. You don't deserve me.

Then there's this traditional American work ethic, in which hard working Americans will put up with almost anything in order to not appear to be lazy. They will shun unions and work overtime without compensation, all in the name of a work ethic that puts their health and well-being in jepardy in return for a misguided belief that the system is fair and that they will be richly rewarded for their efforts, even if they have to wait till they get to heaven to realize those rewards. That doesn't do much for their widows and orphans, but what can you do?

You can quit bending over and taking it in the rear, is what you can do.

Yes, we all understand that working in a coal mine has inherent risks that can't be avoided, but then again there's such a thing as having at least a minimal respect for human life when it comes to at least TRYING to protect the life and health of your workers. Instead, you have these bosses who depend on this "work ethic" of people who do not wish to be thought of a lazy welfare hogs while they risk their lives to bring the rewards NOT to themselves and their families but to the greedy piss-ants who sign their paychecks and never lose an hour of sleep worrying that cutting corners in safety might kill half their workforce in one fell swoop. Remember, here in America, if you minister to the sick, you are a saint. If you dare question how one GOT sick to begin with, you are a socialist.

Capitalism can be a wonderful thing. So can freedom. Russia right now has a boatload of the former, and a punctured air mattress full of the later. Keep your mouth shut and you might make some money. Mention to the powers that be that you live under the "protections" of a constitution that "guarantees" you certain liberties like free speech and freedom from fear, and you do so at your peril. Russia right now is America with all the safeties removed. If there's one thing that conservatives hate, it's those safeties which makes life bearable for those of us who have to work for a living. So, what say all you right wing masochistics simply pack up and move to a country that will embrace you with open arms?

America. Love it, or please, leave it before you put it entirely out of it's misery. There's a tea party waiting for you in the former Soviet Union. I hear it's a worker's paradise.

Hap-Hazard

2010-04-05T23:31:00.003-04:00

This is a rather haphazard style of blog. I post to it when the mood strikes me. I might post just about anything. Sex, drugs, maybe even rock and roll. I would hazard to guess that my more interesting posts might be conducted under the influence. "Influence" seems to bring out the honesty in people, often most times to their detriment. I will attempt to post in a non-detrimental manner but being human I can't really make those kind of promises, especially if I do so "under the influence".

Today, capping off a rather "interesting" week involving a fair amount of Drama, I and THE Wife received a package from "those people". "Those people" have strangely morphed into two of the best friends I ever had the pleasure to know. Anyway, "influence" be damned, this package contained two items that these two people, namely me and THE Wife, were lusting after while visiting said couple of a higher caliber. Normally, when I lust after an object that a person I am visiting owns, that person gets to enjoy the envy I make so evident by commenting on how wonderful said object is and how much I wish I could have one of my very own. So what do THESE two people do? They SEND us these two objects of affection with their blessings. Normally, I do not care much for Christians, due to their normally unchristian-like behavior. Now, I cannot claim to KNOW that my new best friends are all that "Christian", but I can tell you one thing. I would dearly love it if all christians were this Christ-like. In other words, I wish all human beings could demonstrate love the way these two ordinary, yet remarkable people do. I will die a pagan, having experienced the "loving embrace" of the Catholic Church, and found it wanting severely. But I do so wish that my good friends Jules and Blan die in the loving embrace of whatever God it was that might have made them such wonderful human beings.

Blessed be, my dear friends. Blessed be!

P.S. One: I want to make it clear that I do not associate materialism with human values such as friendship and love. They could have sent us an admirable paper clip or roll of lint and the intent would have been just as valid.

P.S. Two: I wish I could have taken a picture that could have done this object the justice it deserved......the two salt and pepper shakers were embraced by silver crabs (I'm a Cancer, thus a big fan of crabs) at the base. A truly remarkable sculpture! Either that or I am easily entertained......

Climate Change

2010-04-04T17:05:00.004-04:00

I have two favorite times of the year, at least at this latitude. Spring and Fall. These are the only two times of the year here in Florida where the extremes of the seasons are balanced out in such a way as to make living here tolerable, at least for one who is Nordic at heart. I have two main enemies, weather-wise. Heat, and humidity. I don't mind cold, and yes, it CAN get cold here, so long as it's nice and dry, instead of wet and miserable as it tends to get here. The heat, well, I flat don't like it. Without an air conditioner I would be miserable. As it is, these window units have a hard time keeping the temperature below eighty on these hot days, and I can hear the meter outside sucking my checking account dry.

So right now I am in climate heaven. Days barely touching the eighties while the humidity is still pretty much in check. It is intensely green now outside, that shade of green that shouts LIFE!! before it succumbs to the heat and turns into that dull dark green that says it's just to damn hot for anything.

Then there's climate change...........

Christians, pray all you want, but I'd rather most of you just get out of the way and let those of us who care try and prevent the coming catastrophe. I'm allergic to your pent-up Armageddon, thank you very much. And so is all life on Earth.

Blessed be........

A New Home for my Mind to wonder

2010-03-31T07:50:00.000-04:00

I have retired my home blog after many years. I picked up many loyal fans along the way, but all I can offer them now is this place where I will come to reflect on the puzzles and idiodicies of life. I hope I do not waste your time, but this will be what it will be, no promises, just words on a virtual piece of paper.

Tweaking

2010-03-12T08:17:00.001-05:00

Blogger has added some new features, including a new template editor which lets you play around with a custom template. So, that's what's happened to this blog.......so, nothing new for now, just old paint in a new shade.

The End of Days

2010-01-20T12:44:00.003-05:00

I do not believe in the "End of days" as biblical prophecy, but I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy, which mankind has become extremely talented at. Religious fanatics have been waiting literally for CENTURIES for the son of God to return to Earth from his extended vacation to wreak havoc on all those non-believers, which include a huge chunk of the population of this planet. Every decade that ends without his reappearance only adds to their frustration, and life here on Earth gets more and more complicated as these people increasingly seek to take matters into their own hands to FORCE the matter. Yes, these followers of Christ are so full of hate, intolerance, and an eagerness to see their neighbors burn in hell that they actively form political blocks that have no purpose other than to derail any attempts by the rest of us to just get along with each other and instill any kind of social justice for all people. I think it is so fucking sad that the death penalty, the merging of religion (THEIR religion, of course) and state, and the denial of any kind of decent life for the lower rungs of our society thru predatory capitalism are all hallmarks of the mindset of the evangelical/fundamentalist Christian sect, in opposition to just about everything Jesus was supposed to have taught them.

As of January 1st, my health care premiums rose again, and my benefits got worse, as they have steadily over the last ten years or so. And even though I am "covered", any real medical emergency will probably cause us to become homeless due to all the costs which are still our responsibility. If I am ever diagnosed with cancer, I doubt I will have any real incentive to fight it, since my life, thanks to the impending defeat of healthcare reform by the conservatives, will essentially be over with anyway. How is your average American wage earner supposed to repay THAT kind of debt? Very few of them do, and the horror stories continue to mount, while the pawns of corporate America chant "death panels" and "communist healthcare". President Obama was supposed to be the breath of fresh air this country desperately needed to bring us back to our senses, but even his own party has become so inept at fighting the propaganda of the corporate shills and religions right that they can't even get a Democrat elected to Senator Ted Kennedy's vacant seat! What the far right has done to this country is only going to be exacerbated by a left wing that seems to be in the same pockets as the conservatives were.

Never in my life have I seen our political system so hamstrung by special interests and a sense of every-man-for-himself. I loved my country and I served it, yet my fellow Americans continually embarrass me with their apparent lack of empathy, common sense, or critical thinking skills. We don't want to pay taxes, yet we expect our roads to pave themselves, our children to have good teachers teach them for free, and our food brought to our tables safe to eat without any kind of government regulation. We are all hell-bent on not having to pay for our neighbors healthcare, yet there we are filling up our emergency rooms because our health insurance was dropped or our jobs were sent overseas. We want freedom, not for all, but from responsibility for anyone other than ourselves. In effect, we eat our young, we soil our nests, and our favorite game is now American Roulette (the difference between that and the Russian version is that we leave ONE chamber empty).

My fellow Americans, you shame me. You have no idea how good you had it. You have been so afraid of socialism that you have traded democracy for corporate totalitarianism. You are really no different from the "Red" China......corporate America OWNS your sorry ass, they just don't have to admit it. They will raise your rates, lower your wages, take away your jobs, and you will continue to bend over and take it, because you think Jesus is coming back to build one great big golden shopping mall that you can all drive your platinum Hummers to every day for all eternity. Meanwhile, all of us "evil" people who dare suggest that the constitution calls for the separation of church and state will all burn in hell for that same eternity, especially those of us who joined unions in an effort to have decent jobs at decent wages and live the American "dream". The only hope I can think of for this battered country of ours is that there really will be a rapture, so that your sorry obstructionist asses are gotten out of our way and we can save this country AND our damaged planet.

But, knowing humans as I do, I hold out very little hope for sanity to regain a foothold here. These truly are the "End of days", at least for this once great country of ours, and probably for all of the Earth, as the effects of global warming take their toll and the human race goes the way of all those creatures we delivered onto extinction. Jesus told you to "love your neighbor as you love yourselves".......only you must truly be self-loathing if this is how you love them.

Unless you are a Masochist, this might interest you......

2010-01-13T16:51:00.000-05:00

Romancing the Gun

2010-01-06T10:28:00.001-05:00

Although I do not have a membership in the NRA, I DO own a hand gun and believe that, at least in present circumstances, people who possess the totally logical desire to defend themselves should have the right to own a firearm or two.
That being said, I do not love my gun. I do not love my toaster or my coffee maker (ok, yea, maybe the coffee maker) nor do I own a life size doll that I have any particular affection for. My gun is a tool, no different from my rake, shovel, hammer, or electric grill. I use it for self defense, period. I HAVE used it for that purpose, taking out a five foot long rattlesnake that was threatening my goats, but that is the only time this weapon has been fired in anger in the three decades that I have owned it. It hasn't even had more than two boxes of ammo total fired through it. No, I do not LOVE my gun, but I consider it a necessary evil and that is the only reason I own it.

However, there are many Americans who DO love their guns. They love their guns with a passion that is downright scary. Some of them own an entire arsenal, enough firepower to arm a small banana republic. Many own simply a small weapon for concealed carry, and then there are those who own fully automatic weapons that could shred an elephant in nothing flat. THESE are the people who make me uncomfortable, and who make a very real statement about the human condition……...

We love to destroy things, living things included.

Many of us, those of us who are "civilized" and "God-fearing" especially, will proclaim to possess an overriding love of family, friends, and man in general. Our lives will be spent being "good people", proclaiming the love of Christ and maybe even doing "good works". And yet, Many of these same people will support the death penalty, not strictly out of social practicality, but for vengeance sake, or the ultimate punishment, despite their deities admonition that "vengeance is MINE" and that judgement is reserved to the creator. Yes, these are traits so easily ignored by people who want you to believe they are somehow better than those "other" people. And, many of these same people own guns, hunt with guns, shoot watermelons with guns, have one hidden on themselves and all around their house, and are always lusting after the newest caliber to be brought to market for their bang-bang pleasure. Guns are designed for one thing, and one thing only: to kill. No, they were not invented to blow apart watermelons. No, they were not designed to punch holes in paper targets within the safety of a firing range. No, they were not designed for anything other than to kill animals (one of those necessary evils that is questionable in the era of supermarkets and industrial meat production) and people. And boy can they do THAT job better than anything! They kill men, women, AND children, and even their pets. Some are designed to inflict mortal damage on one person at a time, while others are quite capable of taking out a whole classroom within a minute. THAT is what guns were designed to do, and if you love guns, then you love what they are capable of doing. In my mind, that makes you purely human, the most dangerous animal on the face of this Earth.

Again, here is my license: I own a gun, and I have owned more than one in my lifetime. I have hunted with guns AND archery equipment. I have used my gun for what I acquired it for; self-defense. When it comes to down to me vs a threat, human or otherwise, I come down on the side of ME and MINE. I do not lust after nor do I wish to have one of these encounters. I do not WANT to take a life. And I find no need to empty boxes of bullets into targets, imagining those targets as some sort of threat to me. I have taken whatever target practice was necessary to operate my pistol to it's maximum effect, and that's it. Does that make me some sort of namby-pamby liberal wimp? You think so? Then come visit me in the middle of the night without knocking. I won't be thinking I'm Rambo but I guarantee YOU will within thirty seconds of breaking into my castle.

I do not love my gun.

Why do you?

Eyes Wide What?

2010-01-04T14:22:00.002-05:00

When I was young
I was full of vim and vigor
confused though I was
as to where I belonged in this world
then I won a few battles
and lost a few wars
and ended up in limbo
where expectations
meet incredulous reality
This is not the future I was promised
this is not the day I reckoned
and every ounce of faith I had
in the very idea of humanity
has been poured into a glass
of surrender and apathy
and consumed with my rum and coke
I thought I knew what love was
but all I know for sure anymore
is what I could and have
been capable of
simply by virtue of being human
this mixture of shame, pride, and eyes wide open
now burning me from within
once so guilty of judgement
I now weigh myself and find me wanting
once desperate to imagine myself as good
now only grateful not to be simply evil
or am I?

Not Quite YET........

2010-01-01T23:00:00.001-05:00

The anal truth of the matter is that 2010 is NOT the beginning of a new decade, but instead is the beginning of the final year of THIS decade, the "oughts" as we have been calling them. So, you see, technically, the next decade will not actually begin until the first of 2011. You've all jumped the gun. I'll join all of you in welcoming in the new decade when it actually begins, but for now, I am just hoping that the crash and burn which was 2009 will not turn into the collapse of civilization which will surely occur if Republicans continue to obstruct every common sense effort we put into repairing the damage that their party and Cheney's puppet DUBYA inflicted on this once powerful country of ours. Oh, sure, we can kill the villain of the day from an aerial drone thousands of miles away, but we can't keep hard working, honest, and bent-over-and-screwed Americans employed or in their homes. The power structure of YESTERDAY continues to spew vitriol at our not-quite-white-enough President, despite the fact that so far he has demonstrated a grace under pressure that would have destroyed any of his lily-white predecessors, save perhaps Kennedy, and could actually advance this country into the 21st century (at last) if only the party of NO would just go home and suck their thumbs. I am not holding my breath this year expecting any miraculous improvements, because government of the democratic persuasion advances like stop-and-go traffic rather than the freeway we would dearly love to be driving on. And, until we as Americans stop eating our young, we will steadily head the way of the Roman Empire, rotting from within.

Happy New Year.